Understanding Our Patterns: Notes on Schemas & Schema Therapy
Schema Therapy (developped by Dr. Jeffrey Young and colleagues) is a psychotherapy approach that helps us understand why we keep repeating the same painful patterns in relationships, work, and life - even when we know better.
It's built on a simple but important idea: the experiences we have early in life - especially unmet needs - create blueprints (schemas) for how we see ourselves, others, and the world. These blueprints tend to stick around long after they're useful, influencing our choices, relationships, and lives in ways we don't always see.
The Core Idea
Schemas are like lenses we developed early in life to make sense of our experience. Maybe you learned "I'm not good enough" or "People will leave me" or “I will inevitably fail” or "I have to be perfect to be loved". These are just examples of “early maladaptive schemas”.
I don’t love the term “maladaptive” because at one point these schemas were very much adaptive. These schemas - these beliefs - always make sense given what we experienced and how we made sense of those experiences. Our schemas were adaptive once, because they helped us get through or make sense of our specific circumstances.
The problem is that they don't always update automatically. They might stick around longer than needed, often at a cost in our present day reality. That lens you developed at 8 years old may still be operating at 35, coloring how you interpret the world around you and how you react, even if circumstances have changed.
If this sounds familiar, it’s because many psychotherapy approaches implicitly or explicitly work with schemas or “core beliefs”. But Schema Therapy centers them as the main focus of treatment and uses specific strategies to understand and work with them.
How Schemas Show Up
Schemas don't just sit quietly in the background. They actively shape our lives in predictable ways:
You might avoid situations that could trigger the schema. For example, if you have an “Abandonment” schema, you might avoid getting close to people so you never have to experience the pain of being left.
You might overcompensate to prove the schema wrong. For example, if you have a “Defectiveness” schema, you might obsessively try to appear perfect to compensate for feelings of shame.
You might surrender to the schema, accepting it as truth and living as if it were reality (neither avoiding or fighting it). For example, if you have an "Unrelenting Standards" schema, you might push yourself relentlessly without question, believing you must meet impossible standards to be acceptable.
These are called schema coping modes - the strategies we developed at different stages of life to deal with painful core beliefs. Most of the time we oscillate between these coping modes, using different ones in different situations or areas of life.
Common Schemas (A Quick Guide)
Some schemas that show up frequently in therapy:
Abandonment/Instability: The belief that people you're close to will leave or be unreliable. You might cling desperately to relationships (surrender), avoid getting close to anyone (avoid), or leave people first before they can leave you (overcompensate). Some people cycle between these - pursuing someone intensely, then pulling away when they get close, then panicking and clinging again.
Defectiveness/Shame: The belief that you're fundamentally flawed or unlovable. You might hide your true self and expect rejection (surrender), avoid deep relationships entirely (avoid), or perform perfection compulsively to prove you're not defective (overcompensate). Many people oscillate between these strategies - hiding in some areas while overcompensating in others, or switching strategies depending on the situation.
Emotional Deprivation: The belief that your emotional needs won't be met by others. You might not even know what you need anymore, minimize your needs, or feel chronically empty and unfulfilled (surrender). You might avoid relationships where you'd have to express needs (avoid), or become demanding and angry when your needs aren't met (overcompensate).
Failure: The belief that you're incompetent or will inevitably fail. You might underperform relative to your abilities and give up easily (surrender), avoid challenges entirely (avoid), or work obsessively and achieve compulsively to prove you're not a failure (overcompensate). Many people flip between avoidance in some areas and overcompensation in others.
Unrelenting Standards: The belief that you must meet extremely high standards to be acceptable. You might push yourself relentlessly and never feel good enough (surrender), procrastinate or avoid challenges where you might not excel (avoid), or rebelliously reject all standards (overcompensate). Many people flip between perfectionism in valued areas and complete avoidance in areas where they fear falling short.
Mistrust/Abuse: The belief that others will hurt, manipulate, or take advantage of you. You might expect betrayal and stay hypervigilant (surrender), avoid trusting anyone or getting close (avoid), or hurt others first before they can hurt you (overcompensate).
Social Isolation/Alienation: The belief that you're fundamentally different from others and don't belong. You might accept being alone and feel like an outsider (surrender), avoid social situations entirely (avoid), or work hard to fit in and hide your true self (overcompensate).
Dependence/Incompetence: The belief that you can't handle everyday responsibilities without help. You might rely excessively on others and feel helpless (surrender), avoid situations that require independence (avoid), or force yourself to be hyper-independent and never ask for help (overcompensate).
Vulnerability to Harm: The belief that catastrophe could strike at any time and you're unable to protect yourself. You might be chronically anxious and hypervigilant (surrender), avoid anything that feels even slightly risky (avoid), or take excessive risks to prove you're not afraid (overcompensate).
Enmeshment: The belief that you can't exist or be happy without another person. You might lose yourself completely in relationships (surrender), avoid commitment and closeness (avoid), or maintain fierce independence and emotional distance (overcompensate). People often swing between fusion and flight.
Subjugation: The belief that you must suppress your needs and feelings to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment from others. You might comply constantly and lose touch with your own voice/needs/desires (surrender), avoid relationships where you'd have to assert yourself (avoid), or rebel and refuse to accommodate anyone (overcompensate).
Self-Sacrifice: The belief that you must put others' needs before your own to be good or worthy. You might overextend yourself constantly and feel guilty about self-care (surrender), avoid relationships where people need you (avoid), or become selfish and refuse to give to others (overcompensate).
Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking: The belief that your worth depends on others' approval or admiration. You might shape yourself to others' expectations (surrender), avoid situations where you might be judged (avoid), or act provocatively and reject others' opinions (overcompensate). You might oscillate between people-pleasing and rebellious rejection of others' views.
Negativity/Pessimism: The belief that things will inevitably go wrong and you must focus on the negative to be prepared. You might minimize positives and expect disappointment (surrender), avoid hoping or planning for good things (avoid), or force optimism and deny any negative realities (overcompensate).
Emotional Inhibition: The belief that you must control your feelings to avoid disapproval or losing control. You might appear very rational and have difficulty accessing emotions (surrender), avoid situations that might bring up feelings (avoid), or express emotions intensely and dramatically (overcompensate).
Punitiveness: The belief that people (including yourself) should be harshly punished for mistakes. You might be extremely self-critical and unforgiving (surrender), avoid situations where you might make mistakes (avoidance), or become rebellious and refuse any self-criticism (overcompensate).
These aren't just thoughts you can think your way out of. They're deeply embedded patterns with powerful emotional weight behind them, formed when you were younger and your brain was making sense of your world as best it could.
The Different Modes
Schema therapy also looks at the different "modes" or states we move through:
Child modes: The vulnerable parts that carry unmet needs and painful emotions. When these are activated, you might feel small, scared, or desperate.
Coping modes: The strategies you developed to manage painful feelings. These include the surrenderer (who gives in to the schema), the avoider (who escapes or disconnects), the overcompensator (who tries to prove the schema wrong).
Critic modes: The harsh internal voice that attacks you, often sounding like critical caregivers from your past.
Healthy Adult mode: The part of you that can see clearly, meet your needs appropriately, and respond to situations from a grounded place rather than from old pain.
The goal of schema therapy is to strengthen your Healthy Adult mode so it can protect and care for the vulnerable child parts, set boundaries with the critic, and find more adaptive ways to get your needs met than the old coping strategies.
Schema therapy is more integrative than some other approaches. It combines:
Cognitive work (identifying and challenging old beliefs, although in Schema Therapy or IFS the challengeing “happens” experientially, rather than cognitively in CBT)
Experiential work (actually feeling and meeting old emotional experiences with appropriate care)
Cultivating our own “Healthy Adult/Adulte Bienveillant” figure/voice
Behavioral work (intentionally changing patterns in real life)
The therapeutic relationship itself as a place to experience different, healthier patterns
It's particularly helpful for people who've tried other therapies and still feel stuck in the same patterns, or for people dealing with longstanding relationship difficulties, or rigid coping strategies that aren't working anymore.
The Work
Schema therapy isn't about eliminating schemas completely - although often their intensity relaxes significantly. It's about:
Recognizing when a schema is running the show
Understanding where it came from and what it's trying to do for you/protect you from
Learning to meet your needs in new ways that don't reinforce the schema
Building a stronger Healthy Adult voice that can care for your vulnerable parts without falling into old patterns
It can be slow workThese patterns have been operating for decades. But it's also deeply transformative work - understanding the roots of your patterns and developing new ways of being in relationships and with yourself.
Bottom Line
If you keep finding yourself in the same painful situations - attracting the same kind of partner, entering the same old dynamics, hitting the same wall at work or in life - some of your schemas might be running the show.
Schema-based therapy helps you see those patterns clearly, understand where they came from and how they make sense, and build new ways of being that actually serve who you are now, not who you had to be to survive your past.
It's not about blaming your past or staying stuck in it. It's about understanding how your past shaped your present so you can have more choice about your future.
