Understanding Our Patterns: Notes on Schemas
Schema Therapy (developped by Dr. Jeffrey Young and colleagues) is a psychotherapy approach that helps us understand why we keep repeating the same painful patterns in relationships, work, and life - even when we know better.
It's built on a simple but important idea: the experiences we have early in life - especially unmet needs - create blueprints (schemas) for how we see ourselves, others, and the world. These blueprints tend to stick around long after they're useful, influencing our choices, relationships, and lives in ways we don't always see.
The Core Idea
Schemas are like lenses we developed early in life to make sense of our experience. Maybe you learned "I'm not good enough" or "People will leave me" or “I will inevitably fail” or "I have to be perfect to be loved". These are just examples of “early maladaptive schemas”.
I don’t love the term “maladaptive” because at one point these schemas were very much adaptive. These schemas - these beliefs - always make sense given what we experienced and how we made sense of those experiences. Our schemas were adaptive once, because they helped us get through or make sense of our specific circumstances.
The problem is that they don't always update automatically. They might stick around longer than needed, often at a cost in our present day reality. That lens you developed at 8 years old may still be operating at 35, coloring how you interpret the world around you and how you react, even if circumstances have changed.
If this sounds familiar, it’s because many psychotherapy approaches implicitly or explicitly work with schemas or “core beliefs”. But Schema Therapy centers them as the main focus of treatment and uses specific strategies to understand and work with them.
How Schemas Show Up
Schemas don't just sit quietly in the background. They actively shape our lives in predictable ways:
You might surrender to the schema, accepting it as truth and living as if it were reality. For example, if you have an Abandonment schema, you might select partners who are unavailable or unpredictable, repeatedly confirming your belief that people will leave.
You might avoid situations that could trigger the schema. For example, if you have a Defectiveness schema, you might avoid sharing your "shameful" thoughts and feelings with partners due to fear of rejection.
You might overcompensate to prove the schema wrong or fight against it. For example, if you have a Failure schema, you might work obsessively and achieve compulsively to prove you're not a failure.
These are called schema coping modes - the strategies you developed at different stages of life to deal with painful core beliefs. Most of the time you oscillate between these coping modes, using different ones in different situations or areas of life.
Common Schemas (A Quick Guide)
Some schemas that show up frequently in therapy:
Abandonment/Instability: The belief that people you're close to will leave or be unreliable. You might select partners and significant others who are unavailable or unpredictable (surrender), avoid intimate relationships altogether out of fear of abandonment (avoidance), or push partners and significant others away: either with clinging, possessive, or controlling behaviors, or by leaving before they can leave you (overcompensation). Some people cycle between these - pursuing someone intensely, then pulling away when they get close, then panicking and clinging again. Others oscillate between surrender (choosing unreliable partners) and overcompensation (leaving first to avoid being left).
Defectiveness/Shame: The belief that you're fundamentally flawed or unlovable. You might choose critical partners and significant others who put you down (surrender), avoid sharing "shameful" thoughts and feelings with partners and significant others due to fear of rejection (avoidance), or behave in a critical or superior way toward others, trying to come across as "perfect" (overcompensation). Many people oscillate between these strategies - hiding in some areas while overcompensating in others, or switching strategies depending on the situation.
Emotional Deprivation: The belief that your emotional needs won't be met by others. You might choose cold, detached partners and significant others, and discourage others from giving emotionally (surrender), withdraw and isolate, avoiding close relationships (avoidance), or make unrealistic demands that others meet all of your needs (overcompensation). Some people flip between resignation and suddenly becoming demanding when the deprivation becomes unbearable.
Failure: The belief that you're incompetent or will inevitably fail. You might sabotage work efforts by working below your level of ability and unfavorably compare your achievements with others in a biased manner (surrender), procrastinate on work tasks, avoid new or difficult tasks completely, or avoid setting career goals appropriate to your ability level (avoidance), or diminish achievements of others and try to meet perfectionistic standards to compensate for your sense of failure (overcompensation). Many people flip between avoidance in some areas and overcompensation in others.
Unrelenting Standards: The belief that you must meet extremely high standards to be acceptable. You might attempt to perform perfectly and set high standards for yourself and others (surrender), avoid taking on work tasks or procrastinate (avoidance), or throw out high standards altogether and settle for belowaverage performance (overcompensation). Many people flip between perfectionism in valued areas and complete avoidance in areas where they fear falling short.
Mistrust/Abuse: The belief that others will hurt, manipulate, or take advantage of you. You might choose untrustworthy partners and significant others and be overvigilant and suspicious of others (surrender), avoid close involvement with others in personal and business life and not confide or self-disclose (avoidance), or mistrust or exploit others, or act in an overly trusting manner (overcompensation). People might oscillate between paranoid hypervigilance and complete avoidance, or flip between suspicious mistrust and suddenly trusting too much.
Social Isolation/Alienation: The belief that you're fundamentally different from others and don't belong. You might become part of a group but stay on the periphery and not fully join in (surrender), avoid socializing and spend most of your time alone (avoidance), or put on a false "persona" to join a group but still feel different and alienated (overcompensation). People often alternate between total isolation and performing a false self to fit in.
Dependence/Incompetence: The belief that you can't handle everyday responsibilities without help. You might ask for an excessive amount of help, check decisions with others, and choose overprotective partners who do everything for you (surrender), procrastinate on decisions and avoid acting independently or taking on normal adult responsibilities (avoidance), or demonstrate excessive self-reliance, even when turning to others would be normal and healthy (overcompensation). Many people flip between clinging dependence and fierce counter-dependence.
Vulnerability to Harm: The belief that catastrophe could strike at any time and you're unable to protect yourself. You might worry continually that catastrophe will befall you or others and repeatedly ask others for reassurance (surrender), engage in phobic avoidance of "dangerous" situations (avoidance), or employ magical thinking and compulsive rituals, and engage in reckless, dangerous behavior (overcompensation). People might oscillate between anxious hypervigilance and suddenly taking excessive risks.
Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self: The belief that you can't exist or be happy without another person. You might imitate behavior of a significant other, keep in close contact with an "enmeshed other," and not develop a separate identity with unique preferences (surrender), avoid relationships with people who stress individuality over enmeshment (avoidance), or engage in excessive autonomy (overcompensation). People often swing between fusion and flight.
Subjugation: The belief that you must suppress your needs and feelings to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment from others. You might choose dominant, controlling partners and significant others and comply with their wishes (surrender), avoid relationships altogether or avoid situations in which your wishes are different from those of others (avoidance), or act in a passive-aggressive or rebellious manner (overcompensation). People often flip between complete compliance and sudden rebellion.
Self-Sacrifice: The belief that you must put others' needs before your own to be good or worthy. You might engage in self-denial and do too much for others and not enough for yourself (surrender), avoid close relationships (avoidance), or become angry at significant others for not reciprocating or showing appreciation, and decide to do nothing for others anymore (overcompensation). Many alternate between excessive giving and resentful withdrawal.
Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking: The belief that your worth depends on others' approval or admiration. You might draw attention of others to your accomplishments related to status (surrender), avoid relationships with admired individuals out of fear of not gaining their approval (avoidance), or act flagrantly to gain the disapproval of admired individuals (overcompensation). You might oscillate between people-pleasing and rebellious rejection of others' views.
Negativity/Pessimism: The belief that things will inevitably go wrong and you must focus on the negative to be prepared. You might minimize positive events, exaggerate negative ones, and expect and prepare for the worst (surrender), not hope for too much and keep expectations low (avoidance), or act in an unrealistically positive, optimistic, "Pollyannaish" way - rare (overcompensation). Most people with this schema stay in surrender mode.
Emotional Inhibition: The belief that you must control your feelings to avoid disapproval or losing control. You might emphasize reason and order over emotion, act in a very controlled, flat manner, and not show spontaneous emotions or behavior (surrender), avoid activities involving emotional self-expression (such as expressing love or showing fear) or requiring uninhibited behavior (such as dancing) (avoidance), or act impulsively and without inhibition (sometimes under the influence of disinhibiting substances such as alcohol) (overcompensation). People often oscillate between rigid control and sudden impulsive behavior.
Punitiveness: The belief that people (including yourself) should be harshly punished for mistakes. You might act in an overly punishing or harsh way with significant others (surrender), avoid situations involving evaluation to escape the fear of punishment (avoidance), or act in an overly forgiving manner while being inwardly angry and punitive (overcompensation). People might alternate between harsh criticism and avoiding situations where mistakes might be evaluated.
Entitlement/Grandiosity: The belief that you're superior to others and entitled to special rights and privileges. You might have unequal or uncaring relationships with partners and significant others, behave selfishly, disregard needs and feelings of others, and act superior (surrender), avoid situations in which you cannot excel and stand out (avoidance), or give extravagant gifts or charitable contributions to make up for selfish behavior (overcompensation). You might oscillate between demanding special treatment and avoiding situations where you're ordinary.
Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline: The belief that you can't or shouldn't have to control your impulses or tolerate frustration to achieve goals. You might perform tasks that are boring or uncomfortable in a careless way, lose control of emotions, and excessively eat, drink, gamble, or use drugs for pleasure (surrender), avoid situations requiring sustained self-discipline entirely - not working, dropping out of school, not setting long-term career goals (avoidance), or make short-lived, intense efforts to complete a project or to exercise self-control (overcompensation). People often oscillate between giving in to impulses completely and making dramatic but unsustainable attempts at rigid self-control, drifting without discipline for months then suddenly launching an intense effort, burning out and returning to indulgence.
These aren't just thoughts you can think your way out of. They're deeply embedded patterns with powerful emotional weight behind them, formed when you were younger and your brain was making sense of your world as best it could.
The Different Modes
Schema therapy also looks at the different "modes" or states we move through:
Child modes: The vulnerable parts that carry unmet needs and painful emotions. When these are activated, you might feel small, scared, or desperate.
Coping modes: The strategies you developed to manage painful feelings. These include the surrenderer (who gives in to the schema), the avoider (who escapes or disconnects), the overcompensator (who tries to prove the schema wrong).
Critic modes: The harsh internal voice that attacks you, often sounding like critical caregivers from your past.
Healthy Adult mode: The part of you that can see clearly, meet your needs appropriately, and respond to situations from a grounded place rather than from old pain.
The goal of schema therapy is to strengthen your Healthy Adult mode so it can protect and care for the vulnerable child parts, set boundaries with the critic, and find more adaptive ways to get your needs met than the old coping strategies.
Schema therapy is more integrative than some other approaches. It combines:
Cognitive work (identifying and challenging old beliefs)
Experiential work (actually feeling and meeting old emotional experiences with appropriate care)
Cultivating our own “Healthy Adult/Adulte Bienveillant” figure/voice
Behavioral work (intentionally changing patterns in real life)
The therapeutic relationship itself as a place to experience different, healthier patterns
It's particularly helpful for people who've tried other therapies and still feel stuck in the same patterns, or for people dealing with longstanding relationship difficulties, or rigid coping strategies that aren't working anymore.
The Work
Schema therapy isn't about eliminating schemas completely - although often their intensity relaxes significantly. It's about:
Recognizing when a schema is running the show
Understanding where it came from and what it's trying to do for you/protect you from
Learning to meet your needs in new ways that don't reinforce the schema
Building a stronger Healthy Adult voice that can care for your vulnerable parts without falling into old patterns
It can be slow work. These patterns may have been operating for decades. But it's also deeply transformative work: understanding the roots of your patterns and developing new ways of being in relationships and with yourself.
Bottom Line
If you keep finding yourself in the same painful situations - attracting the same kind of partner, entering the same old dynamics, hitting the same wall at work or in life - some of your schemas might be running the show.
Schema-based therapy helps you see those patterns clearly, understand where they came from and how they make sense, and build new ways of being that actually serve who you are now, not who you had to be to survive your past.
It's not about blaming your past or staying stuck in it. It's about understanding how your past shaped your present so you can have more choice about your future.
