Living From the Inside Out: Building a Life that’s Truly Yours

We make thousands of decisions every day. Most of them small—what to eat, what to wear, which email to answer first. But some are bigger: what job we take, who we spend time with, how we spend our days, what we say yes to, what we say no to. What kind of life we build, and with whom.

Most of these decisions happen on autopilot, running on patterns and scripts we didn't necessarily choose. Answering questions we're not even aware we're asking: What will make me look successful? What will prove I'm good enough? What will keep me safe, worthy, loved? What do others need or expect from me? How can I avoid disappointing people?

For many of us, these questions run in the background, silently directing the course of our lives. Some of us end up living lives that may look good from the outside but feel unnecessarily draining, not fully ours, or empty from the inside.

Living from the Inside Out

One way many of us learned to build our lives is from the outside in. We look around at what others are doing, what we think we should want, what we think will keep us safe, acceptable or impressive. Maybe we make choices based on proving ourselves, pleasing others, or meeting expectations we never questioned.

I know this way of living because I lived it for years.

Another way to build our lives is from the inside out. We look inward first and get clear on what actually matters to us - what gives our life meaning. We make choices based on our own values even when these choices don't look impressive, follow convention/expectations, or make sense to anyone else.

The first way is what most of us were taught. The second way, many of us have to learn ourselves. Often after trying out the first for a little too long.

For me, it went something like this: I'd wake up exhausted, with little motivation. My calendar was full with meetings, courses, projects I didn’t really believe in, and commitments I took on out of habit, shoulds, and people pleasing (not that I would admit to any of that at the time). But I couldn't tell you with real clarity what truly mattered to me under all that busyness.

It eventually became clear that I was living someone else's idea of a good life. And I was tired. The special kind of exhaustion that comes from living a life that’s not really ours.

The Clutter Between Us and Our Values

Many of us weren't taught to ask what gives our life meaning. Maybe we were taught to survive our circumstances, to fit in, to meet expectations, to avoid rejection or criticism. To follow our parents' or culture's values, or what we think will bring us fulfillment.

Maybe we fill our calendars with obligations and say yes to everything when what we actually value is spaciousness, rest, and creative solitude.

Or we make ourselves small and agreeable to avoid conflict when what we actually value is honesty and showing up authentically.

Or we stay in situations that feel safe and familiar when what we actually value is growth and challenge.

Or we chase what looks like success—the impressive job, the bigger home, the nicer car—when what we actually value is doing work that matters to us, having financial breathing room, and not spending our lives paying for things we don't need.

Our lives can look good from the outside while feeling empty or exhausting from the inside. All the right pieces in place, little of it actually ours.

What is Values-Based Living

Values-based living is about clearing away that clutter to get to what truly matters to us.

It's not about adding more "shoulds" (we have enough of those). It's not about another self-improvement project.

It's about making room for what gives our life meaning and building our days, weeks, years around that. It’s about acting like the person we want to be. Moving in directions that we consider worthy of our time, attention, and resources. It’s about knowing what we stand for and using that as guiding principles for how we live our day to day.

The Arenas vs. The Qualities

There's an important distinction many of us miss:

Valued domains are the arenas of life: family, friendships, work, education, parenting, health, personal growth, community, leisure, spirituality.

Values are how we show up in those arenas. The qualities we want to embody through our actions. Things like: authenticity, presence, connection, honesty, accountability, integrity, friendliness, compassion, generosity, creativity, curiosity, learning, playfulness, rest, gratitude, humility, courage, challenge, freedom, autonomy….

Many of us stop at the arenas. We say "family is important to me" and think we're done. But how do you want to be with your family? Do you value loyalty? Honesty? Playfulness? Showing up when things are hard?

And most importantly, what does that actually look like in practice: What actions embody those values?

This is where it gets personal - as unique as a fingerprint. For example, two people might value the family and friendship arenas. But if one values authenticity and honesty and the other values harmony and lightness, they might show up completely differently. Neither is wrong, they're just different.

Our valued domains tell us where we want to show up. Our values tell us how we want to show up.

Values vs. Goals

Here's another distinction that matters: values aren't goals.

Goals are destinations. They sound like: lose 5 pounds; get that job; finish this project; reach that summit; publish this article. You can check them off a list - you either reach them or you don't.

Values are directions. They sound more like: moving and nourishing my body in ways that feel good; being present with my loved ones; creating a home that feels like me; writing honestly on topics that matter to me. We never really check them off - we live them out, every day, imperfectly.

Think of two people hiking the same mountain. One has a goal: reach the summit. The other has a value: be present in nature, move at a pace that feels good, challenge myself and enjoy the ride.

It starts raining halfway up, trails get muddy, the pace slows. Both decide to turn back.

The goal-oriented person is frustrated—their hike is ruined.

The values-oriented person is still living out their values whether or not they reach the summit: feeling the rain, noticing how the forest smells different when it's wet, moving through nature even if it's slower than planned. Still challenging, still present.

The same is true when life goals get derailed—a relationship ends, a career shifts, health changes. The goal falls apart and we feel like failures.

But say we value growth, compassion, and courage. We can still learn from what happened, treat ourselves and others with kindness through the transition, and face the uncertainty honestly—even when the initial goal is gone.

Our goals can fail and change. Values can still be lived through those changes.

Values are not about arriving. They're about how we show up for the ride.

What Makes a Day Meaningful?

What does it mean to you to have a meaningful and fulfilling day? Not what it means to society, but what it means to you. (Dr. Diana Hill)

A meaningful day isn't about accomplishing impressive things or feeling good all the time. It's about moving toward what truly matters to you. Embodying your values, even imperfectly, even when it's uncomfortable, in the arenas that matter most.

Maybe you had a hard conversation you'd been avoiding. Maybe you rested instead of pushing through exhaustion. Maybe you played or had a conversation with your kid without checking your phone, said no to something that didn't align with the life you want to build, or reached out to someone despite fear of rejection.

You don't have to hit every arena every day. But when your days consistently include actions aligned with what matters to you, that's inherently rewarding.

A hard day spent being present with someone you love or creating something you care about? Meaningful.

A hard day trying to prove you're good enough? Exhausting.

Getting Clear

It’s hard to live by values we can't name. The work is two-fold:

First, get clear on what matters. Which arenas truly matter to you? Not what should matter. What actually does.

Maybe work matters less than you've been told it should. Maybe time in nature matters more than you let yourself admit. Maybe solitude isn't selfish but it's necessary. Maybe creativity got squeezed out somewhere along the way and you miss it. No one but you knows what really matters. That's the whole point.

Second, how do you want to show up in those arenas? What qualities do you want to embody?

For me in the friendship arena, it's authenticity, honesty, connection, and presence. Not spreading myself thin trying to maintain dozens of relationships, but genuine connection with people where I can show up as I actually am.

In work, it's authenticity, compassion, honesty, creativity/self-expression, autonomy/freedom, and a little fun.

In health, it's nourishment, mindful movement that I enjoy, and balance. Not fixing or controlling my body through intense regimens.

In personal development, it's curiosity, self-honesty, humility, and a little humor. Not perfection.

But it might be completely different for someone else. Maybe rigor in health and in work. Maybe adventure in leisure.

See how specific it gets?

If you're not sure where to start, here is a comprehensive list of 200+ values that can help you identify what resonates. Sometimes we need to see them laid out to recognize what we've always known matters, or what we want to make more space for moving forward.

Living Them Out

Once we know our valued domains and our values (what's actually ours, not what we think we should value) the work becomes living them out. That’s how we create meaning in our lives.

The work is in the actions we take, the choices we make, and how we embody these qualities in our daily lives.

This doesn't make life easier. Life will still be hard. Relationships end, work is demanding, bodies get sick, plans fall through. But it means when things are difficult, at least we're struggling in the name of something that matters to us, not to maintain an image or repeat patterns we never questioned.

Values Under Constraint

I know “living by your values” can sound privileged, depending on how it’s interpreted. Financial stress, caregiving demands, systemic barriers, discrimination—these profoundly limit choices. Values aren't a substitute for material resources, safety, or systemic change. We need both.

But here's what I believe: even when circumstances feel crushing, there's often some small space, however tiny, where choice still exists. Not in what happens to us, but in how we meet what's happening.

Someone can't always choose their job, their health, their living situation, or how much time and energy they have. But within those constraints, they might still choose how they treat themselves and others, whether they reach out or isolate, and how they show up for what matters most, even imperfectly.

These movements toward values don't fix systemic problems. But they can be the difference between being crushed by circumstances and maintaining some sense of self and meaning while working to change them.

The Shift

Living from the inside out means knowing what deeply matters to us, what brings meaning to our lives, and using those as guiding principles in how we live our daily lives.

Not shoulds, not what sounds nice. What actually feels true.

For a long time, I lived a version of life built on old patterns, autopilot, approval/validation seeking, and perceived expectations. It might have looked good from the outside but it felt pretty empty from the inside. Impressive on paper. Just not mine.

Now I'm learning something different: getting real about what truly matters to me and how I want to show up in my life. Saying no to things that might sound good but don't feel right, so I can say yes to what does.

It means disappointing people sometimes. It means making choices that don't always look impressive or make sense to others.

But it's mine.

And that's the whole point.