Living From the Inside Out: Building a Life that’s Truly Yours

We make thousands of decisions every day. Most of them small: what to eat, what to wear, which email to answer first. But some are bigger: the work we choose to do, who we spend time with, how we spend our days, what we say yes to, what we say no to. What kind of life we build, and with whom.

Most of these decisions happen on autopilot, running on patterns and scripts we didn't necessarily choose. Answering questions we're not even aware we're asking: What will make me look good? What will keep me safe, worthy, loved? What do others need or expect from me? How can I avoid disappointing others?

For many of us, these questions run in the background, silently directing the course of our lives. And after a while, some of us end up living lives that may look good from the outside but that can also feel unnecessarily draining, not fully ours, or even empty from the inside.

Living from the Inside Out (vs. Outside In)

One way many of us learned to build our lives is from the outside in: we look around at what others are doing, what we think we should do and want, what we think will keep us safe, acceptable or impressive. Maybe we make choices based on proving ourselves, pleasing others, or meeting expectations (our own or others’) we never questioned.

I know this way of living because I lived it for years.

Another way to build our lives is from the inside out. We look inward first and get clear on what actually matters to us - what feels meaningful from the inside. We make choices based on our own values, even when they don't necessarily look impressive, follow convention/expectations, or make sense to anyone else.

The first way is what most of us were taught. The second way, many of us have to learn ourselves (often after trying out the first for a little too long).

For me, it went something like this: I'd wake up exhausted even when rested, with little motivation. My calendar was full with meetings, courses, projects, and commitments I took on out of habit, or based on what I thought I should do/want, or people pleasing (not that I would admit to any of that at the time). But I couldn't tell you with real clarity what truly mattered to me under all that busyness.

It eventually became clear that I was living someone else's idea of a good life. And I was tired. The special kind of tired that comes from living a life that’s not really yours.

The Clutter that Gets in the Way of What Matters

Many of us weren't taught to ask what gives our life meaning, purpose and pleasure. Maybe we learned to survive, to fit in, to meet expectations, to avoid rejection. To follow our parents' or culture's values, or what we think will bring us fulfillment.

So we developed patterns - ways of being that helped us feel safe, worthy, loved, or like we belong. These are basic human needs, and it makes sense that we would develop patterns to meet them growing up. But even as our circumstances change, these patterns keep running on autopilot, making choices we never really questioned or consciously agreed to.

In psychology, we call these schemas - core beliefs we developed about ourselves, others, and the world based on our early experiences.

A few examples fo how schemas can get in our way:

Maybe we learned that our worth depends on accomplishment or pleasing others, so we fill our calendars with obligations when what we actually value is spaciousness, rest, and self-care.

Or we learned that being seen or upsetting others is unsafe, so we make ourselves small or people please when what we actually value is honesty and showing up authentically.

Or we learned that success looks a certain way - the impressive job, the bigger home, the packed calendar - so we chase those markers trying to feel worthy or measure up, when what we actually value is doing work that matters to us, having enough rather than more, and time for what gives our life meaning.

That's the clutter: old beliefs and unexamined assumptions about what we need to be okay, safe, worthy, loved, or accepted - quietly shaping our choices, sometimes directing us away from what we truly care about.

Living more Intentionally

Living more intentionally starts with getting honest about what's actually driving our choices.

Once we see this clearly, we can start clearing away the clutter to make room for what actually matters to us. Not by adding more "shoulds", we have enough of those. Not through another self-improvement project. But by changing what drives our choices: letting our values guide us instead of our old (often unconscious) beliefs, drives, and protective strategies.

It's about knowing what gives your life meaning and building your days, weeks, years around that. It's acting like the person you want to be, not the person you learned to be. It's knowing what you stand for and moving in those directions. It's choosing where your time, energy, and attention go instead of letting old patterns choose for you.

The Arenas vs. The Qualities

There's an important distinction many of us miss:

Valued domains are the arenas of life: family, friendships, work, education, parenting, health, personal growth, community, leisure, spirituality, etc.

Values are how we show up in those arenas. The qualities we want to embody through our actions. Things like: authenticity, presence, connection, honesty, accountability, integrity, friendliness, compassion, generosity, creativity, curiosity, learning, playfulness, rest, gratitude, humility, courage, challenge, freedom, autonomy….

Many of us stop at the arenas. We say "family is important to me" and think we're done. But how do you want to be with your family? Do you value honesty? Connection? Being there when things are hard? Playfulness? Respect? What matters most to you?

And most importantly, what does that actually look like in practice: What actions will bring these values to life?

This is where it gets personal - as unique as a fingerprint. For example, two people might value the family and friendship arenas. But if one values authenticity and honesty and the other values harmony, they might show up differently. Neither is wrong, they're just different.

Our valued domains tell us where we want to show up.

Our values tell us how we want to show up.

Values vs. Goals

Here's another distinction that matters: values aren't goals.

Goals are destinations. They sound like: run a marathon; get that job; finish this project; reach that summit; publish this article. You can check them off a list - you either reach them or you don't.

Values are directions. They sound more like: moving and nourishing my body in ways that feel good; being present with my loved ones; creating a home that feels like me; being present, compassionate, and honest with my clients; writing authentically on topics that matter to me. We never really check them off - we live them out, every day, imperfectly.

Think of two people hiking the same mountain. One has a goal: reach the summit. The other has a value: be present in nature, challenge myself and enjoy the ride.

It starts raining halfway up, trails get muddy, the pace slows. Both decide to turn back.

The goal-oriented person is frustrated—their hike is ruined.

The values-oriented person is still living out their values whether or not they reach the summit: feeling the rain, noticing how the forest smells different when it's wet, moving through nature even if it's slower than planned. Still challenging, still present.

The same is true when life goals get derailed—a relationship ends, a career shifts, health changes. The goal falls apart and we might even feel like we failed.

But if, for example, we value growth, compassion, and courage, we can still live those values through the change: learning from what happened, treating ourselves and others with kindness, facing the uncertainty honestly—even when the initial goal is gone.

Our goals can change. Values can still be lived through those changes.

Values are not about arriving. They're about how we show up for the ride.

What Makes a Day Meaningful?

What does it mean to you to have a meaningful and fulfilling day? Not what it means to society, but what it means to you. (Dr. Diana Hill)

A meaningful day isn't about accomplishing impressive things or feeling good all the time. It's about moving toward what truly matters to you. Embodying your values, even imperfectly, even when it's uncomfortable, in the arenas that matter most.

Maybe you had a hard conversation you'd been avoiding. Maybe you rested instead of pushing through exhaustion. Maybe you played or had a conversation with your kid without checking your phone, said no to something that didn't align with the life you’re creating, or reached out to someone despite fear of rejection.

You don't have to hit every arena every day. But when your days consistently include actions aligned with what matters to you, that feels inherently rewarding.

A hard day spent being present with someone you love or creating something you care about? Meaningful.

A hard day trying to prove you're good enough? Exhausting.

Getting Clear

It's hard to live by values we can't name. This means getting honest about which arenas of life truly matter to you - not what should matter, what does - and getting specific about how you want to show up in those arenas.

This isn't something to figure out perfectly. Your values will shift as you grow and as life changes. The point is just having some sense of what feels meaningful to you right now - a loose sense of direction rather than a rigid plan.

Maybe work is central to your sense of purpose, or maybe it's just what pays the bills. Maybe you need daily time in nature, or maybe you couldn't care less about the outdoors. Maybe you want a few deep friendships, or maybe you thrive with a wide circle of connections. Maybe solitude recharges you, or maybe it feels lonely. Maybe family is everything, or maybe chosen community matters more.

And once you have some sense of your arenas, you can get specific: How do you want to show up there? What qualities matter to you?

For me in the friendship arena, it's authenticity, honesty, connection, presence, and playfulness. Not spreading myself thin trying to maintain dozens of relationships, but genuine connection with people where I can show up as I actually am.

In work, it's authenticity, compassion, honesty, creativity, learning and growth, autonomy, and fun.

In health, it's nourishment, movement I enjoy, and balance. Not fixing or controlling my body through intense regimens.

In leisure and creativity, it's play, exploration, self-expression, and rest.

In personal development, it's curiosity, self-honesty, humility, and humor. Not perfection.

You'll probably notice some values show up across multiple arenas - authenticity and honesty matter to me in both friendship and work. That's normal. How they show up just looks different depending on context.

And yours might look completely different - or some combination of all of these. Maybe you value challenge and growth in work. Maybe playfulness and spontaneity with family. Maybe solitude, or deep community connection. Maybe structure and discipline in health, or gentleness and acceptance.

The combinations are endless, and they are deeply personal. That’s the whole point!

If you're not sure where to start, here is a comprehensive list of 200+ values that can help you identify what resonates. Sometimes we need to see them laid out to recognize what we've always known matters, or what we want to cultivate.

Living Them Out

Once you have some sense of your valued domains and values (what's actually yours, not what you think you should value), what matters is living them out through your daily actions and choices.

This doesn't make life easier, but it does make it more meaningful. Life will still be hard. Relationships end, work is demanding, bodies get sick, plans fall through. But when things are difficult, at least you're struggling in the name of something that matters to you, not to maintain an image or repeat patterns you never questioned.

Values Under Constraint

I know “living by your values” can sound privileged. Financial stress, caregiving demands, systemic barriers, discrimination—these limit our choices. Values aren't a substitute for material resources, safety, and systemic change. We need both.

But here's what I believe: even when circumstances feel crushing, there's still some small space, however tiny, where choice still exists. Not always in what happens to us, but in how we meet what's happening.

Someone can't always choose their job, their health, their living situation, or how much time and energy they have. But within those constraints, they might still choose how they show up for themselves, for others, and for what matters most to them, even imperfectly.

These movements toward values don't fix systemic problems. But they can be the difference between being crushed by circumstances and maintaining some sense of self, agency, and meaning while working to change them.

The Shift

Living from the inside out means knowing what deeply matters to you, what brings meaning to your life, and using that as a guiding principle in how you live your days.

Not shoulds, not what sounds nice. What genuinely feels right.

For a long time, I lived a version of life built on autopilot, old patterns, and perceived expectations. It might have looked good from the outside, but it wasn't really mine.

Now I'm learning something different: getting real about what truly matters to me and how I want to show up in my life. Saying no to things that might sound good but don't feel right, so I can say yes to what does.

It means disappointing people sometimes. It means making choices that don't always look impressive or make sense to others.

But it's mine, and it's meaningful to me.

And that's the whole point.